Love Notes

Today is one of those days. 
I miss you a lot, the thought of you. 

In my head I think I've made you into a greater being, but then I think my imagination is perhaps not too far from the truth.

I miss your Hugo Boss t-shirt, the one I liked to sleep in, it was so "you" because it was a normal shirt, a normal man; but soft and structured, high end, well-crafted, loyal. A good t-shirt, a good man. 

I miss your mouth. I miss that mouth constantly. Your mouth and your explosive kisses. When I look at other mouths, new mouths, they don’t help me to forget yours whatsoever. That mouth ignited those hands that grabbed with the right pressure. 

I miss your freshly washed hair, brushed back, and how your cheekbones seemed to pop out even more with that spy-dandy hairdo. 

Most, I miss is that heart that was so passionate, yet calm. 

I miss you a lot today. It's just one of those days.

(Originally written in 2012)

A whole lotta nothing

Think back to show and tell at school. Or, if you grew up in another country, class presentations where you stood in front of everyone and were expected to present from flashcards or recite from memory. Do bad memories come to mind?

Fast forward now and think of the times you have been in a meeting and when time comes to "share your thoughts" the same people speak up, every single time. How many times have those same people said something that actually helps further the goals of the meeting?

I've gotten these three schoolwork variations and lived through meeting déjà vu hell. I believe, none of these school experiences raise kids to become more comfortable with public speaking or to become adults who can drive their points across professionally.

Instead, whenever public speaking is involved all we hear is complaining, self-praise, or repetition of project updates for a project that should have been completed months ago. Dr. Travis Bradberry just wrote a great post on how to handle toxic people, who, to me, seem to be the perfect examples of this public speaking educational failure.

The ability to share thoughts and ideas out-loud has come up at meetings or networking sessions these past weeks. Thanks to being an only child and to speech writing and public speaking classes, I have received compliments on my public speaking more often. As well as receiving questions on how to become a better speaker.

While I am honest in explaining that I needed to speak up as a child whenever I wanted something, since no siblings were around for me to get things from, or that timed debates and lots of red ink in edits from professors created a mental whiteboard, where I draft sentences before I speak or write, a separate aspect of what makes public speaking easier for me now is still often unaddressed. That aspect is the purpose of speaking.

Every opportunity we get to speak and deliver a message, even if it is the message of "dinner is served," is an opportunity to provide something meaningful. As with the aforementioned example, "dinner's ready!" is very different from, "everyone, come to the table, dinner is served!" Even more different is, "Bobby, Jane, honey, dinner is ready, come to the table please!"

Words are everything.

Perhaps you've heard the saying, "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all" What you may not have considered is that this Bambi-adapted adage can refer to more than just the way you speak to, or about, others. Everything you say and the way you say it has a purpose. Therefore, speak with purpose.

Are you about to open your mouth for something good?

"That's it?" you may be asking now. "What hippie-dippy hogwash," I've also heard. Okay, "hogwash" replaces another term to be honest, because you deserve more polished language, but the remainder of the expression stands.

Speaking with purpose is not easy to adapt to, to enforce, or to like. Because of this many people choose to ignore purpose and live with their fears of public speaking; knowing they will have a reason to blame for their speech inabilities. It's an understandable reasoning.

Many times my accent, my impatience and my favoritism of expletives, get in the way of my purpose. Thoughts or ideas are not delivered adequately but I still get a societal pass because, "I was nervous," "I felt attacked," "I was waiting forever," or "I was hangry."

While things work out despite word vomit, projects, activities or conversations take on a different path. A path that will often involve more work and more future explanations. When you become aware of how purposeful speaking can change your workflow and life, you regret the times that word vomit gets the best of you.

Try these simple exercises and begin to speak with purpose:

Pen and paper

Before and during a meeting write down the topics you would like to discuss and the questions that come up in your head as the conversation is taking place. Use a pen and paper, not a laptop. Studies have shown that we are more receptive to a message when we write down notes- and we process that information better because of it, the latest example is here. Sounds simple enough but you may be surprised to find yourself holding your tongue and fidgeting with your hands because you want to interrupt a person to share your thought- instead of writing it down. Some eureka moments still need to occur but ask yourself before you speak, "is this a eureka thought?" Allow people to finish their sentences before you begin yours then. This will also help you fine tune your listening skills and demonstrate respect to your colleagues.

Breathe in

As you look over your written-down notes breathe in before you share them. Those seconds allow you to put together a sentence and even straighten up your posture. Deliver your message at medium-speed and continue to breathe in between points. If someone interjects between your points raise your pen and calmly say, "excuse me, I was not finished." There is no need to be rude when saying this, you want to be firm and drive the point across that you actually listened and you have full sentences to share, not just blurbs. After you do this once, people around you will notice your delivery is different and may actually pay more attention to you because you're sharing complete ideas. Also, because you managed to stand your ground in a polite manner. Flawless, as Beyoncé would say.

Use your tone and language

Since you and I are grown ups we need to use grown up words. "Yeah" or "you know" should not be the main expressions in your conversations. If you are meeting to discuss a report, write down words from that same report and use them when discussing it. If you are brainstorming for a new product, express support or disagreement with examples rather than applying one word responses. So, "this is an idea that would work because..." or "I don't believe we should attempt that for this reason..." are great. Leave "that's cool" and "I don't like it" behind. It is inspiring to encounter a professional who can express him or herself in layman terms, without needing clichés or colloquialisms. Try to be that inspiration. Moreover, be aware that the tone you use, and even the tone of your voice, affects your delivery. Mimic the tone of a broadcaster on TV or the radio, not too high pitched and not too somber, when speaking in a group setting.

Don't force it

Think of Bambi and Thumper and remind yourself not to say anything that will not benefit the cause or the people around you. Sometimes just being alert and engaged through note taking is enough. You won't have questions or ideas in every interaction you have in your personal or professional life, so learn to agree, smile and stay quiet. By no means does this mean become a pushover, though. If you do have a thought, breathe, form a sentence in your head and speak clearly until you finish a whole sentence. Don't stop halfway. Don't start a new idea in the middle of your sentence. Don't back down and say "never mind." Begin to realize that your thoughts are important and deserve to be delivered and received as such. When you don't feel like a thought should be shared, then be content with yourself for acknowledging this too.

Very few people are born with the skill to speak with purpose, or the ability to recognize this skill. All us need to train ourselves and help others by example.

Speaking with purpose can make you into a powerful messenger or leave you saying, well, a whole lot of nothing.

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*If you would like to read my future posts please click "Follow" at the top of my LinkedIn Pulse articles and feel free to connect with me on Twitter.

**This post originally appeared on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20141024211157-35131697-a-whole-lotta-nothing?trk=mp-reader-card

Eggs are nice, but what about the sides?

I've just read the news of Apple getting ready to offer to pay for the costs of freezing eggs for their female employees beginning in January 2015. Facebook has offered the benefit since January of this year.

Perhaps you are overloaded with egg talk by now, and a little bit grossed out. I don't oppose a woman's choice to freeze or not to freeze her eggs, to be life-Shakespearean about it, but I have a very vivid imagination and the image that is stuck on my mind is this:

Matrix anybody?

The benefit is great and, I believe, will help a number of women who know their optimal child-bearing years rival their crucial career-growth years, especially in an industry few women already belong to. The pressure or competition cannot help when trying to start a family. Therefore, good move Apple and Facebook! Kuddos for supporting working women who also want to be mothers later in life.

Meanwhile, the rest of us working ladies, maybe still single and 30 as well, are left to figure out if or when kids will come. Without having the benefit of a paid egg-freezing "perk" there are certainly other benefits that can make employees happy. Some fancier ones are being adapted at more and more organizations, but these are basic full-time office work benefits we all should have:

Unlimited Vacation Time

Let's face it, you want it, I want it, our bosses want it. Unlimited vacation can work and has been proven to work. It is the most trust-building benefit you can give any employee because he or she must prove their management abilities and deliver. Coming from an employee with three weeks of vacation, which is already considered a lot, I can assure you no company will go bankrupt by offering this perk. Some people love to or have to travel, like myself, and other people don't like to leave their home as often. Unlimited vacation is a solution that can make a company look very good to employees while giving them peace of mind, knowing they can make it to that spring wedding, the summer vacation with family, Thanksgiving with grandma, and Christmas with the folks, without taking unpaid time-off, or enjoy a staycation three or more times each year.

Company Matching Plus

Whether it means matching your charitable or retirement fund contributions, company matching can encourage employees to give back or save- and then some. Matching contributions can also go the extra mile by offering an additional percentage if an employee gives the maximum amount allowed for a contribution, or provide recognition or rewards for steady and growing contributions. Being good to employees and encouraging them to be good towards others and their own future is good business. When we, the laborers, feel appreciated, we appreciate our work and do it better.

Internal and External Education 

This particular benefit boggles my mind because there are so many companies that restrict the amount they are willing to give their employees, their talent, to advance their education and become more valuable assets. Something as simple as a one-day workshop or conference can be considered educational advancement. Don't let yourself be limited by the general restrictions all employees at your job face for education. Suggest in-house trainings to HR; negotiate a conference or course with your boss to get a higher, or the whole amount, paid by your company; offer to pay for the course but get a review-recognition in exchange on your record if your organization has a zero budget for education. How can you defend these petitions? With a simple argument: you are willing to improve yourself to improve your work and improve the company, or find a company that appreciates this dedication. Loyalty is not an easy quality to find in prospective employees, but it is an excellent selling point for you to offer.

The Most Important 

All of the benefits mentioned are great and should be offered everywhere, but the most important benefit that will keep you at your job is intangible: values.

A job can pay you well, give you free food, pile on bonuses and offer you freebies, but at the end of the day, when your head hits the pillow, if your heart is not swelling with joy over the greatness that is your job then chances are your company's values might be to blame. Do you fully believe in what you are selling/building/curing/arguing? Did you imagine yourself at your job when you started your first class in college or technical school? Have you become monotonous at work and follow a routine, rather than find new ways to do things? Don't worry, these questions are not followed by "there is a pill for that."

It is true that not all of us can have our dream jobs, the realities and costs of life lead us to safe, stable, work opportunities that can be fulfilling in their own ways. Still, not trying or searching for that professional activity you feel will make your life better is a disservice to you and those around you. When I was a sophomore in college I got my second college internship at MTV, my friends and family were elated. I continuously got asked, "how did you land that?!" and after three weeks of saying, "I wrote a great essay," or "I applied to different jobs" or "I speak three languages" I grew tired and offended by the question and just replied, "I tried." There were no follow-up queries to that answer.

Life is far from idyllic, but countless of opportunities go unacknowledged each day because people grow tired of trying. So, try.

Offer new ideas at your current job, go back to that hobby you loved so much, get a part time job in the field you are truly passionate about, head to the gym, volunteer, write a book even if it may never get published. Try.

The biggest work benefit any company can give us is a personal and professional value of worth. Without it no employee will truly excel in any position.

Eggs are certainly nice, but so are the sides.

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*If you would like to read my future posts please click "Follow" at the top of my LinkedIn Pulse articles and feel free to connect with me on Twitter.

**This post originally appeared on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20141016004711-35131697-eggs-are-nice-but-what-about-the-sides

Passive aggressive? Not I!

More and more often I hear friends across a variety of industries complain about their work teams being passive-aggressive, and coworkers being unable to face a problem head-on.

Sure enough, I have been caught in this same venting. Either after a meeting ends and no resolution was reached to a pending issue or after speaking with a person requesting a project without offering materials to complete the work- but needing it done tomorrow.

We've all been there, and it seems that when I vent or hear the venting we are all the warriors. We want to fight, we want the passion, we want the angry emails without the white flag smiley faces above the signature!

Then, I wondered. Are "we" really the warriors? Or are we simply members of the town complaining about the problems without being willing to go off to battle, too?

Thankfully, compared to those in the middle ages, our problems don't revolve around famine or black death, and our warriors don't have to take over neighboring towns for survival. The point is, we all vent but we're not all warriors venting rightfully.

One of my favorite quotes by Denis Waitley is, "There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept responsibility for changing them." Passive-aggressive behavior can happen at any given time of the day in small or large expressions alike, and it is up to you to live it, copy it, or change it.

For example:

* During a meeting Sally commented on the typos a page on the company website had, without knowing that web administrators had been dealing with tech issues all morning. When Sally asked William when the typos would be fixed she was told, "this is a minor problem, and not your job to worry about, we'll figure it out later." Sally felt embarrassed and decided not to bring up her second idea about a sales application that could have made the company a ton of mulla... a.k.a., money.

* Mike was having difficulty adjusting to his new job after being there for 3 months because people didn't interact much through the day. During a social gathering organized by his office he attempted to spark up conversation with Mary, but she was over tired after returning from an off-site meeting. Mary told Mike, "I don't really want to be here but I have to be so please don't talk to me right now." Mike felt fed up and began looking for a new job.

How many times have you been Sally or Mike? And how many times have you been a frustrated William or tired Mary? Whether you immediately admit it or not, there is no way you have always been the victim of passive-aggressive office behavior. And, sadly, there is not pill for this ailment which plagues conference rooms and cubicles everywhere.

Your choices to deal with passive-aggressiveness are: live it, copy it, change it. Only one of these choices will make you a warrior, and perhaps even a savior, at your office.

• Live it - You might complain, you might cry, you might even scream into your pillow when you get home after work... but then what? If you don't do anything about the behavior another person has towards you, you're only bottling up frustration and anger. Raise the issue up to your supervisor and be willing to be part of a solution. While the problem won't be resolved immediately, if you don't deal with it you will have a break down, give zero cares (to put it politely) about your job, or reciprocate. Which leads me to...
• Copy it- When you don't know what to do about a passive-aggressive person and you put up with their behavior over, and over, and over, and over again, that point will come when you think, "enough is enough." Perhaps you spoke to your manager about the attitude and nothing changed, or perhaps you are the manager and your attempt to mediate between team members did not work. Since nothing is different you will start rolling punches. When you hear a mean comment disguised as a compliment you will answer back with even worse fake-flattery. This will only create a downward spiral of people quitting, people getting fired, people having full-on verbal or physical altercations. Which leads me to...
• Change it- You don't want to lose your job and you don't want a black eye, right? You need to ride the wave and become part of the solution.

When someone asks you to help in a project, write down the details! What is expected of you? What is everyone else doing? What can you do? Once all the i's are dotted, be clear with those asking for your assistance on what you can or cannot offer and politely clarify those expectations face-to-face to avoid miscommunication.

When you're stressed and dealing with an unexpected problem, talk to your team! Explain to those around you that you're stressed and that you need space to manage the issue to avoid snapping at them, or express what kind of help you need to find a solution together.

When you're pooped, mentally fried, overall disengaged with everything around you, take yourself out of the equation entirely! Ask to be left alone because you feel "off," or ask to leave early or avoid interactions with people you know will put you over the edge to avoid offending others with your seeming carelessness.

Only YOU know YOU.

When you feel a passive-aggressive air coming on, breathe and keep yourself from releasing your anger onto others. Ask yourself if you're truly that big of a deal to act like a King or Queen to your co-workers and have some humility to understand that you're not. Managing your own emotions is a powerful skill that can help you become a better negotiator, manager, customer service professional and even parent. Being emotional does not mean being easily overpowered by those emotions; and in professional settings, hurt feelings are often linked to hurt egos- not broken hearts.

It would be easy to say, "forget about everyone and find yourself a new job," but these attitude-farts are part of being human. You will encounter passive-aggressiveness at any office. Changing jobs is always an option, just give yourself the chance to improve on your passive-aggressive management skills to bring them with you onto your next work opportunity.

Alternatively, don't let your spirits be brought down either. You can keep yourself in check to avoid being passive-aggressive and you can help others become aware of their own attitudes. If you are having a tough time dealing with a person who is being combative, serenely express to them that their operating mode can and should change because it's not productive.

Write down a problem and agree on a written-down solution with the passive-aggressive culprit. Office accountability can improve with physical check-lists or detailed notes that are being reviewed in person with all parties involved, and serve as a reminder of an agreement that if broken will have a direct person at-fault, not everybody pointing fingers. Besides being clear in writing also talk, talk, talk. Offer constructive critique, suggest solutions, explain your problems, ask questions. When you start talking you may become surprised at how much those around you want to talk as well. The simple activity of speaking can increase trust, understand processes and even build respect. Overall, once you attempt to give your best you will have peace of mind and a light heart to deal with others who still, regardless of any positivity that comes their way, choose to be unhappy.

You can only change your life not the life of others, after all.

It is much easier to jump on the Debby Downer bandwagon that to willingly put yourself out there and attempt to change a system. However, the personal development achieved is dramatically different on the easy ride than the leadership marathon. Taking responsibility for changing conditions is what warriors do. Robbie Abed wrote a funny take on how to manage this change, read his thoughts.

Passive-aggressiveness can be defeated, if you change you perspective and become a positive influence on others.

Living with and for happiness is a choice, not a given.

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*If you would like to read my future posts please click "Follow" at the top of my LinkedIn Pulse articles and feel free to connect with me on Twitter.

**This post originally appeared on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20141125210712-35131697-passive-aggressive-not-i?trk=mp-reader-card