Thursday, October 15, 2015

Love Notes II

While I remember you with joy, passion and sometimes also sadness, I do think of you with anger. 

I remember how you pointed out what a mess my life was on more than one occasion. It shamed me. I felt embarrassed by admitting it because, indeed, my life is a mess. 

Is it really an excuse to say the mess is not half-created by me? 
That I care for others and cannot control their actions, which inherently affect mine? 

If I use that excuse it's easy to say I can choose not to be the caregiver and walk away from the mess. That would make my life much easier, but is it realistic? 

No. I can't just walk away, and that's what hurt me about your judgement. 

To me your life was a mess too, you know? 

There was structure that only made sense to you, ideas that seemed effervescent,  difficulty in communication without interrogation, you were not mess free- and I accepted that. 

I did not point it out; and while I know you accepted my mess, the simple fact that you felt it necessary to make it tangible hurt me. When I remember that I feel less guilty about asking to end things. 

I remember that you're not perfect after all, even if my heart tells me you might be. 

(Originally written in 2013)