Monday, October 26, 2015

Making Sense

Thinking of whether or not this new mindset makes sense in my life. If something happens to either you or me, would this all make sense as the last breath in our lungs departs?

Thinking of how you caught me at the last minute to say goodbye before I left that night. When that last breath is slowly trickling out, will you or I regret standing there sans hug or handshake or smile?

Did you walk or run to find me before I walked out?
Did you think the dialogue would have been different?
If there was any thought of ending on a high note, why disappear after my departure?
I'm tired of trying to connect your actions with the feelings that you seem to have, that you make me feel.

The thinking is endless because I find our behavior so thwarting. We are on this path of discovery and growth and improvement and potential, but we can't stop being awkward around one another. I am also guilty of attempting safe, mundane, conversation.

We were never friends to begin with, I don't think we would have become friends on our own. I've realized you are too calm for me. I am too jittery for you. Yet, we're still alive in each other's universe. The possibility exists: friendship.

The new mindset tells me it can happen. While the realistic, pessimist mindset tells me we are just playing pretend. We are on this growth journey until it gets uncomfortable. Then we excuse ourselves with chants of, "I have moved on, we don't need to go back now." Sounds logical until I think of kindness, forgiveness, repentance and letting go. Truly letting go.

Is letting go ignoring you and not remembering you live? Or attempting to add you back into life as something improved?

All I hope is that, when that last breath is out, I can rest easy. I hope not to think, "I had it all wrong."